Thursday, August 16, 2012

MORE OF KAV'S RULES FOR MOVIES

Whenever someone is trying to get away from the bad guys, it will be necessary to run down a packed escalator, shoving people aside as they go. Also, they will go down the up escalator for added 'drama'.

The good guy who doesn't shave will usually turn out to be the bad guy.

Any aliens on any planet will speak perfect unaccented English.

Supposed 'hot women' in movies will be ugly as sin, (i.e. Fatal Attraction) or any horseface Julia Roberts movie.

In a car chase, the car to the rear of the chase will always be faster than the car they are chasing. No one will know the Pitt Maneuver.

Any school bullies in a movie will at some point get their ass handed to them, usually by the guy they have been bullying relentlessly.

Women in bars will always pick up the men instead of vice versa like real life.

 Real life has no place in films-directors are clear on this. Rich people will always be bad guys. Corporations too. Poor people will always be wise and caring. Minimum wage waitresses will live in huge luxury apartments in the city.

In any prison movie there will be a scene in the infirmary. Always.

All courtroom movies will culminate in a scene with the attorney screaming at the witness until the witness 'cracks' and confesses. This is known as the 'Perry Mason' rule.

People with dogs will be good guys. People with cats will be bad guys.

Most chase scenes will end up in a subway, which will end up will the good guy jumping across the tracks just as a train is coming. Directors still think this is a clever twist for some reason.

Hostage tradeoffs will always go bad. Always. Once again, directors think this is clever and original.

Generally the bigger the star the suckier the movie (i.e. Mission Impossible).

No one will wear real glasses, they will be the obvious flat-paned fake glasses. Directors think people are too stupid to tell the difference in reflection patterns from a flat pane of glass to a curved lens. They seem to assume that, since they are stupid, everyone else is. Sigh. All genius kids and women scientists will wear these glasses.

99% of romance movies will have the characters meet by bumping into each other. In real life this never happens. I have never for instance bumped into a woman and knocked her to the ground, spilling the contents of her purse or grocery bag.

School classroom scenes will always have all the students paying attention to the teacher, instead of the real life deal where the kids are constantly ass grabbing and completely ignoring the teacher, who is yelling for their attention. Also the desks will be evenly aligned which never occurs in real life.

Any time someone is watching TV in a movie, there will be no commercials. In reality, commercials are 1/4 of the programming.

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