Saturday, November 12, 2011


Having accidentally rented The Green Lantern CARTOON with the live action cover last week - released close to the time the REAL Green Lantern movie was coming out - a bait and switch ploy from DC I'm sure, I was not in a positive frame of mind for this movie.  But I wanted to give it a chance.

One thing I've noticed about DC movies as opposed to Marvel movies is the crowds.  In a Marvel movie the crowd is reacting to what's happening.  In a DC movie the crowd just stands there while a green flying guy you know, shoots magical beams that stop a crashing helicopter and saves a girl from a falling structure with a FORCE FIELD.  Even after the FLYING GREEN GUY shoots skyward, no one says a word.  Also, they're evenly spaced.  It's like the director said, “OK you guys stand here, here, and here” and then forgot about them.

Dumb, man.  No one says, "WHO IS THAT DUDE? HOW CAN HE FLY?" or even, "OMG!" Also, the debut of GL was dumb.  A helicopter starts to crash - heads for the crowd, all this times passes before Green Lantern does something about it.  He watched it all go down, like everyone, but just, I don't know, reached for another drink.

   Also we have Sinestro - the GL leader (the guardians don't say or do much of anything-they kinda remind me of Michael Jackson on Propofol. Dumb).  So Sinestro tells Hal how inferior and unworthy he is
‘cause he's human.  If I was Hal I would have quipped, “Hey Goebbels-what's with the racist attitude, man?  Haven't you ever heard of diversity?  Seig Heil, dude.”  

The film plods along with the usual stupidities.  No one recognizes Hal because he's wearing an eye mask.  To test this I bought a same size domino mask and put it on.  I walked around to various friends and acquaintances and guess what - every single one said, “Hey Kav - what's with the mask?”  Dumb.

I also don't like the lantern.  It's obviously a lightweight cheap plastic prop and looks somewhat like a 60's hippie lamp.  Dumb.

Then we have the scene kyped from the original Superman movie where he flies up to Lois Lane I mean Carol Ferris's penthouse.  He even steals Superman's line, 'Are you ok?' And why does everyone in the movies live in penthouses???  I guess Hollywood thinks since they and all their friends live in penthouses, so must the rest of America.  Out of touch, boys?  It bugs me that the average 17 year old can spot these gaffes yet no one on a multimillion dollar movie set can.  Hollywood: I'M AVAILABLE FOR CONSULTATION!  I'LL WORK FOR FREE!  Christ.

OK finally Carol recognizes it's Hal.  Why it took her 3 minutes of staring to come up with this when my friends didn't even take 1/2 a second is a mystery.  PS can't the actor at least shave if he's gonna be in a multimillion dollar film? These and other questions I have. The beard stubble is distracting.  

Hal's OA Green Lantern mentor explained the mask appears when he's among his own kind so he can go unrecognized. The fact that beings as dumb as this have such powerful weapons scares me.

And the romance scenes really DRAG, man.  They could have just as effectively put up a sign that said 'ROMANCE SCENE HERE" instead of having the 'actors' go through the painful motions of speaking such lame dialogue.

Then there's the scene where Hal's old schoolmate now turned toad-style kung fu lookin’ dude battles Green Lantern. He keeps launching oxygen tanks at Green Lantern and Green Lantern keeps trying to block them with his ring. Of course, several slip past and knock him senseless.  Hey, dummy-just make a friggin force field. Christ.  Then we have to hear the cheesy villain 'Moogie-ha-ha' laugh.  Corny, guys. Weak  characterization.  No one is 100% evil-Hitler liked dogs.  But that's too deep for these writers, no-they went with the formula villain.  In fact this whole movie could have been written by a  computer.  I'm not kidding.  There are actual programs that do this.  So then the villain starts  MONOLOGUING.  Guys-go see The Incredibles.  That movie MOCKED the weak character device pretty effectively.

Then we learn that Hal is AFRAID.  He has the most advanced weapon ever devised and he's AFRAID.  Give me the freaking ring and I'll handle it dude.  I'll defeat the menace because I'll  ATTACK it instead of staring at it with gaping mouth.  Double Christ.  Hollywood-it's not a good sign when a viewer keeps waiting for the movie to be OVER.  But that's how I felt.  And everyone else I talked to.  Even teenagers HATED this movie.  PS the actor that plays Sinestro is great - it's too bad he got pulled into this suckfest.

We also have the Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom rip-off where the evil guardian sucks the souls out of his victim's eyeballs. Lame.  The Hal gets half his soul sucked out but he's still ok.  I guess a half-wit can operate with a half-soul.  This movie is a real tragedy it could have been so good-Green Lantern has the most interesting super power.  But Hollywood formula writing prevails and we have a suckfest instead.

Hal lures the creature into the asteroid belt, which is strangely close to Earth, and is chock full of asteroids.  Science note-the actual belt is so sparse if you passed thru it you wouldn't see a single asteroid.  The entire mass of asteroids circling the Sun at a circumference of billions of miles would constitute a small moon.  There's not much there, folks.  Sorry.  If the actual belt was this crowded Earth would be struck so often that no life, not even bacteria, would have time to evolve.
So therefore I am re-naming this movie 'Green Latrine'

A. Kaviraj is an artist and writer at Champion City Comics. His works include Dr Death vs The Vampire, Doctor Death vs The Zombie, and The End of Paradise.

That's a wrap.

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