Our resident artist and comic book guru, A. 'Kav' Kaviraj, sends me images of comic book covers for posting, and his most recent selection is the 1964 release Jimmy Olsen #79. Titled 'The Red-Headed Beatle of 1000 BC', we see Jimmy playing some sort of horn to a crowd of Dorthy Hamill clones. Awesome.

A. 'Kav' Kaviraj likes to send me silly or cool comic book covers for me to post at Champion City Comics. Kav emailed me the cover of Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #88 where we see Jimmy playing an oddly shaped guitar or bass while Superman dances like a twit. What's up with the guy on drums? Is that a drum set? Where did he get such a god awful percussion set? I have too many questions with this cover, but I am slightly interested to read this issue to see the infamous Krypton Crawl.

Kav & Tony Break it Down is nothing more than two long-time comic book readers making fun of the Golden and Silver Age Superman comics. We understand that these books were written for a juvenile audience but we could not resist reviewing these classics. Please note that no comic books were hurt during the review. 

Kav and I survived the first three pages of Action Comics #283 and are ready to tackle the next three pages of this tale where Supes battles two aliens who explain everything in great detail. Enjoy!




KAV: Of course we're heavy on the xyz letters again-is this some form of racism? Why do aliens automatically have names heavy on the xyz? Here we have Jan-Dex and Zo-Gar. Zo-Gar continues his explanation of every move he makes...this would get real annoying real fast, man. Like everyone in the future, these two miscreants know Superman's secret identity. They're always out for revenge but no one ever just shows footage of Clark changing into Superman-they come up with these elaborate plans that ALWAYS FAIL.

TONY: Are the two chameleon men devising a nasty scheme or are they competing in an old school version of Project Runway? "Make it work". Sorry boys, but guest judge,Truman Capote, said your work was "hideous" and thought you two just draped a stupid ol' costume over some ghastly red rocks. What really bothers me is that these two dopes decided to set up an elaborate trap on some deserted island rather than go directly to the Daily Planet and take out Clark Kent. If these two can travel time then they should be able to find their way around Metropolis. Kav, I agree with you on the xyz issue but I'll add another complaint that these guys report to the Cosmic King and Lightning Lord. Thumbs down on the generic ruler names.   


KAV: These guys are so mentally challenged that they have to give themselves instructions EVEN WHEN THEY ARE THINKING? The detailed explaining to the audience of every move is really wearing out any possibility of a plot, boys. Why not just have a page that says "Something happened but Superman defeated the bad guys". That would be just as effective.

TONY: OK, I'm angry. Why did these two morons land on a deserted island, set up a kryptonite catcher, change into sea creatures, turn into cops, walk or ride to Metropolis, and then call Jimmy Olsen? This plot is incredibly absurd. Don't even get me started on the one alien calling Jimmy to take a row boat to an island for a big Superman story. He doesn't give his name, but Jimmy thinks it is a legit lead. Hey stupid, there was a reason Perry didn't want you going to the Kennedy-Khrushchev meeting.



KAV: We have Superman doing what he does best when he's Clark-thinking about what he could do as Superman with that 'If Lois and Jimmy only knew' smirk on his face. Then they see the Red K statue but Lois and Jimmy are too special to realize it's Kryptonite. Yeah, it must be SOME OTHER GLOWING RED METEOR dressed in a Superman suit! Some reporters. Then we have more recap so the readers who don't know about Red K can get brought up to speed. Even though they've been brought up to speed, several times....So we have the guy who can see for light years bumble right up to the effective range of Kryptonite-like he ALWAYS does.

TONY: Looks like Lois and Clark were dumb enough to tag along on Jimmy's mystery lead. Forget the superpower summit, we need to get on a row boat and waste our entire afternoon checking on some silly Superman tip. Again, was it necessary to take a row boat? They could not get a ride on a ferry or possibly rent a boat from the marina?

We are not finished with this story, but we'll return Tuesday, January 24th with more KAV & TONY BREAK IT DOWN!  

Need more Kav & Tony? Check out some previous reviews below:

Kav & Tony Break It Down: Action Comics #311 (Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3) 

Kav & Tony Break It Down: Action Comics #312 (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4)



A. Kaviraj is an artist and writer at Champion City Comics. His works include Dr Death vs The Vampire, Doctor Death vs The Zombie, and The End of Paradise. 

Kav & Tony Break it Down is nothing more than two long-time comic book readers making fun of the Golden and Silver Age Superman comics. We understand that these books were written for a juvenile audience but we could not resist reviewing these classics. Please note that no comic books were hurt during the review. 


Kav and I are continuing our review of Jimmy Olsen #108 titled 'The Midas of Metropolis', which was published by DC Comics in 1968. The issue was written by Leo Dorfman and featured the artwork of Curt Swan.

Did you miss part one? If so then click here to read.


Kav: Jimmy buys out a movie theater and what's playing? Of course, it's another SUPERMAN movie. The Hollywood of Jimmy's world is even more closed minded than the real Hollywood. Mostly they crank out Superman movies. No Green Lantern or Batman movies, just Superman. Then he goes to an airport to shop for planes....we know what this means- every time Jimmy is near airplanes Lucy Lane just so happens to come of a flight and of course she is not expected to work more than one flight in a day. Also-what idiot goes out for a night on the town wearing their stewardess outfit???

Tony: The writer of this comic, Leo Dorfman, must have been on an anti-charity crusade because once again we are reminded that Jimmy can not give one single dollar to charity. But when Jimmy decides to find a loophole, he decides to help out his pathetic fan club by allowing them the opportunity to see a Superman movie with all the soda pop and popcorn they desire. I guess buying out a restaurant and having a bunch of homeless people come in for dinner on Jimmy was not a good idea. If I ever strike it rich, I can go shopping for airplanes at the Metropolis Airport. Apparently, it does not violate any Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) rules to have air traffic controllers talking over the airwaves about Jimmy Olsen's wealth. This is one goofball city.  


Kav: This is a rare event- a Silver Age Curt Swan full panel page! And there's Frankie Paradise singing away. Check out the HUGE orchestra pit, man! Is this a nightclub or an ice hockey rink??? Lucy says, 'I'll never forget this moment', but she will, as soon as she sees another hunky pilot with a pencil mustache....that ho.

Tony: This comic may have been written in 1968 but we have writers stuck in 1958 because they have Jimmy and Lucy check out an unnamed artist that looks like Frank Sinatra and sings a song that sounds like a Sinatra classic. Those DC cats knew how to avoid copyright issues by changing the song from 'Young at heart' to 'Young in heart'. Well all know that Lucy would dump Jimmy for the Chairman of the Board in the blink of an eye. Also, way to be with the times, DC comic book writers. It is 1968 and Jimmy should take Lucy to the Filmore Metropolis to see Big Brother and the Holding Company or The Jimi Hendrix Experience. Lucy would totally dump Jimmy for Jimi.   


Kav: The use of large panels in this story is really unusual for Swan-I'm thinking he was trying to go large to show wealth-and it works! Why Jimmy needs to take the racehorse on a 'tryout trot' when time is of the essence is beyond me.

Tony: Jimmy gets Sinatra for his lady and all he gets is a kiss? You should close the deal, Jimmy. Click here to hear what I think about Lucy. I love the portable computer that calculates Jimmy's spending spree. After all of his nonsense buying a gold Rolls Royce and hiring Frank Sinatra, he has spent a whopping quarter of a million. Why couldn't he give more money to Sinatra? He is three quarters of a million dollars away from his goal, so he decides to buy a horse. What an idiot. Yachts are more expensive, airplanes are more expensive, and commercial property is more expensive. There seems to be no rhyme or reason in purchasing big ticket items in Metropolis, Jimmy. You should have purchased the Metropolis Colosseum when you were there with      


Kav: Here we have another mythical scene-the 'two-millionth customer' prize. Have you ever heard of this type of thing happening in real life? This is 1968 and I really doubt that for years the toll workers were making a pencil scratch for every vehicle which went by or that they wouldn't have said something to their friends about the upcoming cash event when they got down to like the 1,999,900th car.

Tony: Jimmy is slowly making his way to the $20,000 prize and not one single car decides to pass Jimmy and take the money? I would expect Luthor to come in and take the money so he could build some device to weaken Superman. Oh well, looks like Jimmy has a famous problem. I can't wait to see how this spending spree continues.



TO BE CONTINUED... 

Kav & Tony Break it Down is nothing more than two long-time comic book readers making fun of the Golden and Silver Age Superman comics. We understand that these books were written for a juvenile audience but we could not resist reviewing these classics. Please note that no comic books were hurt during the review. 

Kav and I decided to give the Superman and Action Comics titles a break, so this week we are starting our review of Jimmy Olsen #108 titled 'The Midas of Metropolis'.



Kav: OK, we see Jimmy is rich in this story. Of course any rich guy has to sit out in front of a motel watching flamenco dancers on TV with his gold Rolls Royce and a ROCKET in the courtyard.

Tony: It's funny to see Superman flying in with a basket of cash for Jimmy who is dressed like Thurston Howell, III from Gilligan's Island. After reading this first page, it seems to me that Jimmy's crib already rivals that of Master P's crib and MC Hammer's 'Hammer Time' circa 1991. Apparently, Jimmy purchased these items without paying for them first. I guess in the DC Universe one can purchase a hotel, rocket, a gold Rolls Royce, a horse, etc by saying, "I'll take it, and Superman will deliver the cash in the morning".   


Kav: Jimmy is told how hard it is to spend money-guess Washington didn't get  the memo-and that if he can spend a million in 24 hours he gets another million. He can only spend 50 grand max on each item. OK numbnuts-don't screw this up-you need to buy 20 items at $50K each.

Tony: Looks like the 'Gospel of Wealth' philosophy went out the window with this comic book, folks. Also, I have a feeling someone watched or read the novel Brewster's Millions. Instead of doing the right thing like giving money to charity or to his family, Ron Hilton, a millionaire playboy, decides to teach Jimmy Olsen a lesson from the grave. It is the second page and I'm already at a Lewis Black level of rage. It's not hard to spend money, Ron. It's very easy to squander money on useless gadgets and junk. Most of you have watched MTV Cribs and have seen large amounts of cash wasted on Scarface and Kiss memorabilia. I'm amazed that someone wasted time putting a silly game into their will. Jimmy Olsen needs to call Charles Barkley and MC Hammer to see how he can lose a million dollars in 24 hours.   


Kav: I guess Superman wasn't busy in 'another galaxy' because here he is working as a security guard at a dead rich dude's house. Supes explains that he's been asked to guard the money and act as an errand boy for this whole deal. I didn't know you could just ask Superman to do stuff for you. "Hey Supes-can ya squeeze me a bag of high quality diamonds? Oh yeah and go into the earth and grab me a boulder gold nugget". Then Jimmy says, "Great Supey when I need you I'll signal with my watch like"...so....uh, Jimmy? Why did you have to demonstrate to Superman how the watch works-he built the damn thing.

Tony: Thumbs down to Superman for being some dead guy's bitch. Double thumbs down to Jimmy for being the dumbest man on the planet by not breaking the rules to help the needy. Good luck wasting money, Jimmy. Remember, don't give it to homeless shelters, hospitals, medical research centers, orphanages, battered women's shelters, starving children, dying children, the unemployed, non-profits, etc.  


Kav: OK, WTF? Jimmy immediately buys a high end 'wardrobe'. I guess this doesn't count as 'more than one of the same thing' as the rules specified...if so, stop right there Jimmy. Your mission is over. Just tell the owner of that establishment to provide '"one million dollars worth of clothes." OK, then Olsen buys a gold Rolls. This mythical car exists only in comic showrooms, to be purchased by people who just got rich. I know because I went to my local Rolls dealer and there was not a single gold plated model on the lot. So I left. PS the artwork in this issue is stupendous. Look at the last panel man. Great job Curt Swan and George Klein. This was before Google and all those drawings were freehanded.

Tony: Olsen starts with clothes and that's a rookie mistake. Go big, dummy. Buy the mansion, if there is one circa 1950s/60s, in that price range. Make sure that property is located next to a body of water and purchase a few yachts. Once you've purchased a place to live then fill it with the expensive art and high-end furniture and appliances. Then buy one of every car available at the car dealership. Not only can you buy a gold Rolls Royce in the comic book world, but you can purchase art from a public gallery. Nice. I'm sure the person that donated those gifts to your art gallery are pleased that they were purchased by some buffoon who is playing a game with some dead guy's money.  


We'll end there for today, but stop back next time to see what Jimmy does with his millions.

Kav and I are back to review the classic Superman comics from the Golden and Silver Age. If you missed part one, part two, or part three of our review of Action Comics #311 then start there so you can catch up on the jokes, complaints, and general rants.

Kav and I survived the first four pages of this goofy adventure, so let's see what we can handle today. Come on kids, let's break it down some more.


Kav: This page cracks me up. It says so much about that red headed hamburger, Jimmy Olsen. He thinks to himself, "I'm no military genius....or am I?" Then he spends a bunch of time getting uniforms and costumes etc together as if this is more important than acting quickly when robots are about to attack Metropolis! Then he says, "These muskets ought to work" even though they are PROPS from a theatrical shop! Yep folks, he's a military genius all right!

Tony: Jimmy doesn't think, "I'm no military genius...", he actually says it to the wife beater wearing alien. Was that a trunk of disguises or did Jimmy raid the wardrobe department for The Music Man? As a historian, my head nearly exploded when the man gave Jimmy and the alien some "Revolutionary War" costumes and muskets. Look at those uniforms, folks. Short sleeves?! I guess that's why the soldiers froze to death at Valley Forge. Muskets?! Those look like rifles to me, you idiot. Does Jimmy think that muskets will stop robots? Not real muskets, but musket props! You may be thinking, "What's with the anger, Tony? These comics were written for children." Shut up. Muskets take forever and a day to load. Rifles can be loaded ahead of time. Are they going to use blanks? Are the guns really loaded? Who uses real bullets on a movie set? Are they filming Earth Invaded or The Crow? Finally, look at the aliens in the bottom panel. Are there drummers in the army? Oh, that will stop the robot onslaught. Jimmy and his army should die on principle alone.      


Kav: I can't take much more. Jimmy exhorts his 'army' to 'fire'. Remember, these are PROPS. Even Bizzarro #1 could do a better job of leading an army than this dipstick. Then they throw some expansible matter cubes to block the robots, stating it will take hours to break through them or, they could just GO AROUND. Luckily, they're as dumb as Jimmy.

Tony: Jimmy threatens his troops with a court-martial? I'm sure the Geneva Convention covers alien soldiers. I don't know what's more lame, the painfully slow advancement of the robot army or Jimmy's idiot F Troop. If the robots were created by a supreme brain then they would be equipped with lasers and fry that sad excuse for a military. Oh, the cubes will stop the robots? Why can't the robots pick up the cubes and crush the army? I'm sure there's some guy reading that page thinking, "Of course the aliens don't want to fight. Green liberal hippies".

Kav: Sergeant ZXL? Again with the extreme use of the terminal letters of the alphabet. I have just one comment for this page: WORST GENERAL EVER.

Tony: These classic comics are absolutely brilliant. Jimmy walks into a general's office and tries to convince him that he should attack the robots. They make it look like the general has a regular ol' office in the city. I mean it would make more sense to have his office in an undisclosed location on a highly secured military base where morons like Olsen can't bother him. I had to laugh when Olsen wondered what Custer would do at the Little Bighorn. Spoiler alert: Custer died! Also, Custer was one of the worst students in his class at West Point. Ugh, we've got two more pages of this nonsense.    


Kav: MOVIE PROP ROBOTS FROM THE SIXTIES CAN ACTUALLY FUNCTION AND FIGHT?????? Then Jimmy gives them MORE prop guns? Yeah, that ought to do it, chump.

Tony: Jimmy calls for a "suicide charge?" He watched the evil robots tear the movie prop robots to shreds and thinks it's a good idea to charge them in order to "bluff" them? If I were one of the aliens, I would hit Jimmy over the head with my movie prop to knock him out before he re-enacts Pickett's Charge. 


Kav: Thank God this is the final page because I don't want Tony to rip out ALL of his hair. Just some of it. As usual, Superman returns from the 'Distant Universe' just when the plot requires it. Advice for the idiot aliens who started the whole mess: DON'T REWIRE THE ROBOT BRAIN!!!!

Tony: I don't have that much hair left to rip out, Kav. Thanks for thinking of me. It's sad that all it took to stop the evil giant super robot was a bit of heat from Superman and Supergirl. You'd think the wife beater wearing aliens would have figured that out a long time ago. I mean they built the damn thing! Someone would have realized, "Oh, yeah! The main circuits are vulnerable so let's blast it with a laser."  

That's all for this edition, folks. We'd love to know what you think about our Kav & Tony series! Don't worry, we have another Superman story to break down next week.

Kav and I have returned for our popular series of breaking down Golden and Silver Age comics. This week, we are going to take on Jimmy Olsen #60 titled 'The Fantastic Army of General Olsen'. Here we go!



Kav: OK, it starts off like any normal day at the Daily Planet with some weirdo entering the office. I've noticed that the Planet reporters don't do much work, mainly the stand around staring at whoever this story is about - in this case Jimmy.

Tony: First of all, it is amazing that there were fifty-nine Jimmy Olsen comic books before this one. The first panel shows Jimmy, dressed in full Nutcracker regalia, and he is leading some green martian army against a giant Erector Set known as the Mechanical Brain 'from space'. I guess they do not want readers to get the villain mixed up with another Mechanical Brain. How is this piece of junk an undefeated force? Looks like one has to fire the rust cannon and that thing is toast. Judging by the rifles that the martians are armed with, it looks like we know why the Mechanical Brain always wins. Martians have lasers, but not in this comic book. Let's move on to the Daily Planet where Jimmy meets Princess Mara. It's wonderful how she shows off her superior powers by blasting a light bulb. 


Kav: Jimmy thinks, 'She sure is pretty' - yeah, I guess so, even though her hair looks like a pontoon. Jimmy notes that Superman and Supergirl are away in a 'distant universe'. WTF? A distant solar system, even distant galaxy wasn't far enough away to keep Superman out of this story, no, he has to be in a DISTANT UNIVERSE! Then Jimmy tells the chick that his 'story on her' will make her famous. Hey dumbass, she's an actress and already famous! Also, its interesting how a cub reporter consistently gets his articles printed above the fold.

Tony: Earth Invaded is a terrible movie title and it sounds like something that would come from the mind of Michael Bay. *Shiver* There was a time when the media wouldn't plug a movie? Shocking! 



Kav: These aliens are from the planet 'Xar'. Why is every alien planet heavy on the X, Y, and Z letters? Why not planet Eupo or something?

Tony: Looks like wife beaters and Speedos are the only fashion choice for males on Xar. What's with the cube? Are we supposed to be impressed that they can take a small cube and make it big? Little Miss Hollywood made a better impression by destroying Jimmy's lamp. If those goofballs can develop the machines then they have the ability to destroy the machines.


Kav: Ok, Harlan Ellison needs to retract his lawsuit from the Terminator movie where he got cash because he wrote a similar story about robots taking over before Terminator came out, because here we have the basic plot line in a Jimmy Olsen comic from 1962. Then Jimmy tries to warn the police about the invasion, but Perry White has already called the police and warned them not to pay attention to Jimmy. Man they had good communication back then. Also, why in these comics does nobody CALL THE POLICE? They always WALK to the police station to make their complaint.

Tony: Why are Olsen and the little green men the only ones paying attention to the Mechanical Brain building other robots? These classic comic books are always filled with giant projects of doom that are witnessed by one or two people. It's great that Olsen demands Perry, not the mayor or governor, to call the police, army, and navy. "You need me to call in the army? I have their number in my Rolodex! Hello, Uncle Sam?" Although we've been reminded twenty times that Superman and Supergirl are far away, Jimmy lacks the brainpower to call Batman, The Flash, Wonder Woman, or Green Lantern. Somehow, this clown leads the little men into battle.

TO BE CONTINUED...